“There are three conditions which often look alike
Yet differ completely, flourish in the same hedgerow:
Attachment to self and to things and to persons, detachment
From self and from things and from persons; and, growing between them, indifference
Which resembles the others as death resembles life,
Being between two lives- unflowering, between
The live and the dead nettle. This is the use of memory:
For liberation- not less of love but expanding
Of love beyond desire, and so liberation
From the future as well as the past…”
-T. S. Eliot, Four Quartets, Little Gidding, III
“More people look for salvation through relationship than in houses of worship.”
This is not to say that relationships are not profoundly important, but rather that we may make them to important.
The Apostle John ends his first letter, which is one of the most definitive writings on Love, with these words: “Dear children, keep yourselves from idols.” 1 John 5:21
We fall in love with Love, and lose the growth which soul demands. James Hollis
1 John 3:11-24
Love does not judge. It also does not project. 1 John 3:12
Matthew 7:1-5
Are you living your life according to others expectations? Are you asking others to live according to your expectations?
We often spend so much time evaluating others and seeing how they are not meeting our expectations or projections.
Love is able to see other. 1 John 3:16-18
“Who among us (can be) capable of agape or “disinterested love” i.e. love wholly invested in the well being of the other, without the shadow of self-interest cruising beneath the surface like a surly shark?”
Love is obedient and humble
1 John 3:21-22
Matthew 7:7-8
Love is a work of the Spirit
1 John 3:24
What kind of Spirit does God give us?
2 Timothy 1:7
For God did not give us a spirit of fear, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.
The opposite of love is not hate, but fear
How does fear manifest itself in relationship?
Theologian Fritz Kunkel identifies 4 fundamental types who fall into the problem of power through fear
1. There is the one who would be the “star,” longs for and solicits the admiration of others, thereby seeking external validation for what is not felt within.
2. The “clinging vine” is dependent, having resigned responsibility for self, seeking validation through an identification with the will of the Other.
3. The “turtle” seek protection and security at all costs. This person will marry for money, identify with social position of the Other, take the path of least resistance in avoiding the demands of personal choice.
4. The last is the “Nero” type, one who overtly seeks power, again in direct proportion to his or her feelings of inadequacy. This is the person most identified with persona, the one who needs to have the title on the door, the key to the executive washroom, the flashy car, etc., in order to demonstrate power, and with that power assume enhanced self-worth.
Each represents the place where growth is blocked. Obviously, only if one’s fear can be made conscious can one expect to mature.
There are three basic experiences through which our fear can be transformed and we can truly begin to love:
1. Through suffering
2. Through the recognition of a power (will) greater than your own will at work in our lives
3. By coming to care for someone other than oneself
The two great commandments:
1. Love the Lord your God with all you heart, soul, strength and mind
2. Love your neighbor as yourself
We love the Other by not needing them to become something for us. We love them for them and learn to discover the beauty that is within them.
In the midst of our sin God showed us love. Not after we became what He wanted us to become.
God reveals to us “Disinterested Love.” Love wholly invested in the well being of the other. This is a love that is mature.
For those fortunate enough to find disinterested love, relationship is transformative. We are far richer after, even with loss and conflict, than we were before. For such richness we may be grateful. We may even come to bless those who have most hurt us, for they have most contributed to our transformation. We may even love them, allowing them to be who they are, even as we struggle to be ourselves on the journey toward our destined end. James Hollis
